Musings While Waiting for Baby
I am days away from meeting my new baby, well I hope it’s just a few days. My due date is still over a week away, but somehow I’ve convinced myself that this baby is coming early. Every day for over a week now, I’ve been thinking, “today’s the day”. Yet, the day still has not yet come. This waiting game is hard and even harder to live in the present moment when you know something huge, like labour, could start at any moment. At the same time, this sense of urgency has served me well.
About three weeks ago, I got that “nesting” urge that people talk about. Out came the receiving blankets, the newborn sleepers, the car seat, and bassinet. Straight to the store, I went to stock up on diapers, and everything I need for my own postpartum care. I employed my sister to help make freezer meals and deep clean the bathroom. About a week ago I felt ready. My floors were washed, the car seat installed yet the baby didn’t come. As days passed, the floor got dirty again, the laundry piled up and the bathroom lost the freshly cleaned sparkle. Especially with two small children, I feel like every day is a constant struggle to maintain our “preparedness” for this baby.
At the same time, I’m tired and uncomfortable. Bending down to pick up that last block at the end of the day, takes everything out of me and I’m overcome with defeat. I’ve actually already started to dip into the carefully prepared meals that were meant for life with a newborn, I just feel done. I’m ready to meet this baby. I want to move on to what is next. Yet, there is life to be lived. Right now in this present moment, there is a gift for me, that is if I’m willing to see it. Today my two kids curled up next to me on the couch and asked for cuddles and stories, as I read to them I could feel the baby kicking and moving around as if reacting to the story too. It dawned on me that this is where life is lived. Not in the future but right now!
I mean it is a paradox because we need to prepare for what is coming next, but it can’t consume us and we can’t let it steal from us the gift of the present moment. When I reflect on the last week I see how I’ve been consumed with wanting to be prepared for the baby to come, trying to make sure everything is just right, and keeping it that way. On top of that worrying about what the future will hold, so often I’ve forgotten to enjoy what is right in front of me. This time is precious. This child will never again be this close to me, safely inside of me. My other two children will never be these ages again. In the midst of exhaustion, aches, and pains, I’m going to try to savour these sacred days. Days that will never come again. I’m going to choose not to wish them away but embrace them for what they are. Days full of anticipation and a whole lot of love.